Good Fights, Not Catholic Nice
One of the most common issues we see slowing down mission in the Church is the inability to engage in conflict. It is an unavoidable part of life, and yet, in our Catholic culture, conflict often carries a negative stigma. Many of us default to what is sometimes called "Catholic Nice" behavior: avoiding disagreements, withholding honest feedback, or simply pretending everything is okay in the face of tension or annoying behavior. It is often the case that avoiding conflict is subtly masked by thinking one is being more charitable by NOT engaging in conflict. of This approach, while seemingly charitable, can hinder growth, relationships, and mission.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Productive conflict—when handled with love, honesty, and intentionality—can lead to stronger relationships, better decisions, and a more vibrant community on mission. Let’s look at what productive conflict is, why it’s essential, and how to master it.
What Is Productive Conflict?
Productive conflict isn’t about winning arguments or proving others wrong. It’s about working through differences to arrive at truth and unity. Key elements include:
Engaging Differences: Productive conflict allows individuals to challenge, correct, and debate ideas while maintaining mutual respect.
Charity Without Compromise: It’s being brutally honest without being brutal, always speaking the truth in love.
Strengthening Relationships: Instead of creating division, healthy conflict builds trust and deepens connections.
Advancing the Mission: Productive conflict leads to better decisions, more innovative solutions, and stronger alignment.
Why Do We Avoid Conflict?
Despite its benefits, many avoid conflict for several reasons:
Fear of Hurt: We don’t want to hurt others or risk being hurt ourselves. This stems from insecurity, pride, or past wounds.
Desire for Peace over discomfort: Maintaining surface-level harmony feels easier than addressing underlying issues.
Life experience: Childhood or even adult wounds, experiences, and habits can make it easier to excuse ourselves from engaging in or developing our ability to have conflict.
However, avoiding conflict often leads to more profound problems: resentment, mistrust, a lack of clarity, poor decision-making, team and organizational misalignment, and missed opportunities for growth.
The Benefits of Productive Conflict
When embraced, productive conflict transforms teams and relationships. Benefits include:
Stronger Decisions: Debating ideas ensures they are thoroughly vetted and refined.
Better Relationships: Honest conversations build trust and reduce bitterness or resentment.
Leadership growth: To become great leaders, people must learn to engage in conflict, and there are few better places to learn than among trusting teammates.
Faster Progress: Over time, conflict becomes easier, leading to quicker decisions and solutions.
Deeper Trust: Trust-based conflict is the foundation of strong teams and families.
Experience breeds confidence: Taking the risk of engaging in conflict often leads to greater confidence and desire to continue doing so.
How to Foster Productive Conflict
Mastering productive conflict requires intentional effort and specific tools. Here are some practical steps:
1. Leader – it’s on you to start!
You have to take a small risk to initiate this effort in order to get the team to follow
Avoid the extreme of always speaking first or last
Don’t look at screens in meetings – it is offensive, makes others feel unimportant and discourages engagement
1. Understand Yourself
Reflect prayerfully on your experience with conflict.
Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal areas of growth:
When am I at my best during conflict?
When am I at my worst? What causes these reactions?
What words do I use? What actions do I make?
What can I do to improve my approach to conflict?
2. Understand Your Team
Assess your team’s current relationship with conflict. Consider using surveys or scorecards to evaluate:
How do we handle conflict at our best and worst?
What norms can help us grow in this area?
Pray and discern conflict norms together. Post these norms as reminders during meetings.
3. Build Skills and Tools
Emotional Intelligence (EQ): Develop self-awareness, empathy, and regulation skills to navigate conflict effectively.
Conflict Styles: Use tools like the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument to understand personal preferences and team dynamics.
Real-Time Feedback: After conflicts, reflect as a team. What went well? What can we improve?
4. Lead With Intention
Encourage Conflict: Before meetings, set the tone by inviting honest dialogue.
Mine for Conflict: Actively ask for input and perspectives in meetings
Address Issues Promptly: Determine whether feedback should be given privately or publicly, and ensure it aligns with timing and context.
Big issues are often handled privately and when appropriate brought back to the larger group
5. Anchor in Prayer
Begin contentious discussions with prayer. Reflect on the fruits of the Holy Spirit and seek wisdom.
If tensions rise, take a step back. Spend time in prayer before continuing the conversation.
Final Thoughts
Conflict is not something to fear. When embraced with love and intention, it becomes a powerful tool for growth, unity, and mission. Let’s move beyond "Catholic Nice" and strive for holy, productive conflict—conflict that strengthens relationships, sharpens ideas, and brings us closer to God and one another. Let’s fight the good fight, together.
